Grief and why you shouldn’t try to make it go away
reading time: 3 minutes
Why not? I can be miserable if I want to.
You don't need to try and make it go away.
It shouldn't go away.
It's just as sad as it ought to be and I'm not going to hide from what's true just because it hurts.
– Home by Toni Morrison
Life changes
When I parted ways from my long-term relationship, I decided not to fall into the path of “getting over it” or “moving on” to the next person, substance, or [INSERT] any extreme obsession. I chose to truly sit with my grief, sadness, and loss. Relationships are hard generally and letting go was far from easy — especially as new coparents who still needed to be a team for our kid. We were childhood friends, so beyond the near decade long partnership, the friendship had spanned more than twenty years.
So far, I can tell you sitting in grief is no candlelight dinner. When the focus turns inwards, the pangs of heartbreak can take you to a sunken place — various spiritual teachings refer to this as the “dark night of the soul.” Some days I cried more than I ate, some days it was more important to hydrate and keep my head up. No matter the day, I let it all out.
Prior to the big shift, I invested in a lot of self-love through personal therapy and chiropractic work. Last year, as a gift to my final semester of grad school, I splurged on high quality skin products. I figured if I was going to be stationary while writing what felt like a never-ending capstone, not for nothing COVID-19, my skin better be flawless af. I digress. Since then, I’ve also invested in different kinds of body work and it’s helped me release a lot.
Normalizing not being okay
If you’ve ever sat with anger, pain, sadness, like truly sat down and connected with those feelings, you know you’re fighting against urges. The urge to just say “I’m okay”, “I’m fine” which for some are conditions deeply set from childhood. At this stage, I decided to truly say “no, I’m not okay” and “I need help.”
It’s amazing what support reveals itself when you just name for people how you feel and how you need them to show up. Sometimes help looked like a lake walk, a dinner delivery, a hug, and even a listening ear. To the emotionally available people who were and continue to be there, you know who you are, and my gratitude is great.
No doubt friendships grew closer while some grew apart. The natural cycle of life is that friendships, relationships are all lessons in the end. Some people stay and teach us lessons for a lifetime and some people’s job was just a season – the lessons are there, nonetheless.
But I can tell you it gets better
In my heart I see you living it all
Living it all
So we say glory glory glory
This day won’t be the only
So much more for me
So much more for me
5 gifts in the message
Grief is normal. Normalize the loss of breakups be it separation or divorce, friendships, jobs, pets, you name it. Sadness and grief abound in life prior to funerals.
Seek out your inner child — Heal and let it free your soul. What would your 13-year-old self say about who you are today? How are you nurturing what they needed then? Have you lived yet?
Be choosy with who you let ride your journey through grief. Some won’t know how to show up for you and know that’s okay. Some may even be straight up imposters. You may get the lesson more than once to realize who your people are. Focus where you find ease and let go of what weighs you down.
Avoid sole reliance on number 3 (above) and consider a mental health therapist; possibly a culturally specific one if that matters.
Embrace what fuels your soul. For me it’s the freedom in solo trips to read in the park, walks/runs around the lake, friendship dinners. I also read books, observe, listen, and chase the beauty in nature. What fuels you?